Races Never Come Without Emotion

My 100% supportive mom and my after the race

Who would have thought that running could be emotional but I guess it makes sense. You spend 4 months planning for something that all comes down to a few hours. But even before that, you spend time thinking about and deciding if it is even something you want to sign up to do. For months you change what you eat, drink, wear and do for fun all for a few hours of time so of course it is going to be emotional. I just didn’t realize how much.

In the days leading up to the race my heart did butterflies whenever I thought of it. Afterwards, I cried every time I thought about the race but I didn’t know why. It was like this for four days. As I talked with roommates, my employer, friends and family I slowly started to realize what it was that I was feeling.

The first emotion that I was feeling was disappointment. I set two high goals for myself with this race, to raise $3250 for The Sheridan Story and to break 4 hours while running Grandma’s Marathon. I didn’t achieve either of these things. In my mind, I only raised $2450 and ran the race in 4:16:05. I was disappointed in myself. Not being one to set high expectations for myself, I was let down when I didn’t achieve these. I couldn’t see the whole picture.

The second emotion I was feeling was overwhelmed. In the midst of feeling disappointed I had the people closest to me telling me that they were proud of me. That’s an overwhelming feeling. Even as I write this I have tears in my eyes. Have you ever experienced this? A moment where you feel like you have failed yet in someone else’s eyes you have achieved something unfathomable for them? If you have, you know what I’m feeling. If you haven’t, it is incredibly overwhelming.

Many of the people in my life who are runners run marathons. Having run one, I knew that I could run and finish Grandma’s. I trained hard for it so I even knew that I could run faster than my time at Twin Cities Marathon and maybe even break 4 hours. These were achievable things to me. But not to my friends and family who were with me. My family and friends are fit and athletic people, but running a marathon isn’t something they truly desire to do or can do at this point in their lives. So to them, running a marathon is a big deal.

As for not raising my goal of support for The Sheridan Story, I got stuck in what wasn’t raised instead of what money was raised. Together, we raised $2450! That is a lot of money. And that is enough money to feed NINETEEN kids for A WHOLE YEAR! Do you understand what this means? I didn’t. This is 19 kids who won’t be hungry on the weekends. It also feeds 19 families. It takes away stress from 19 families. It takes away arguments from 19 families. And it creates a more loving and fulfilling family for 19 kids. This is changing lives! And I couldn’t see this. But now I can. And this is huge. And also overwhelming. So while I was disappointed, everyone around me was proud and they helped me to see the accomplishment of what we had done.

As I was talking with my friend Becca about the race, I also realized that I was overwhelmed in general by the number of times people told me they were proud of me. I don’t think I have ever had so many people say this and mean it. It led me to realize that we don’t often verbalize being proud of someone. In training and during the race I had an overwhelming number of people verbalize how proud of me they were. I had support like I never have had before in anything, let alone my running.

My friend Becca said it best.

“Since starting to run, I’ve realized how powerful the support of others is. there is something about verbally expressing support and pride that hits us deep inside. In those moments you know that someone is 100% for you. They are cheering for your success, and you can’t fail. You have people who believe in you and what you are about. They are relentless, and you are safe.”

This is what I was feeling and it is overwhelming, but in the most beautiful way. So while the race was physically challenging the emotional challenges were harder. Who would have thought that the emotions a marathon bring up could be more challenging than the actual marathon itself.

Grandma’s Marathon Running Recap

After running through one of the coldest winter’s in Minnesota and 4 months of training, I ran and finished Grandma’s Marathon on Saturday, June 21. My heart was in butterflies the week leading up to the race and they only grew more frequent when I drove from Minneapolis to Duluth on Friday with two of my good friends, Esther and Leah. We went to the expo to get my race packet, had lunch with my friend Nancy, then scoped out the course for good locations so that my friends to see me during the race. It was a day filled with silliness and laughter. Before going to bed I had the privilege of reading a card my friend’s mom wrote me. She filled it with quotes about running and verses to encourage me during the race. It was beautiful and perfect and it made me cry. Even with all of those positive thoughts I still couldn’t calm my excitement enough to sleep very well, but that’s to be expected the night before a big race.

We woke up at 5 on Saturday morning and I went through my pre-long run and race routine. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for breakfast with a banana and water. We got in the car and drove to a hotel a few miles away where my friends dropped me off to catch a shuttle to the start line. I was about to get out of the car when my friend Esther said we should pray. As my friends prayed for me and the race, I sat there with tears streaming down my face. I didn’t really know why I was crying but I was overcome by emotion.

Taking the shuttle to the start of the race is the way to go. It is way less hassle than getting yourself there. You get dropped off at a location, take a bus to the start and get dropped off at the start. You don’t have to worry about how to get back up to Two Harbors after the race. Leave your car in Duluth and run back to it. Easy. It just takes 26 miles to do so. On the shuttle I sat next to a lovely woman who was running her first marathon! It was an honor to encourage her and let her know that she could do it! And she did! As I got off the bus I felt ready and confident in my own abilities to run the race.

I had an hour until the start once I got to the starting line so I hopped in line for the bathroom. I’m glad I did because I only had twenty minutes until the start after it was my turn. While waiting in line I had a conversation with a woman named Vicki. She shared that she had her spine fused in a year and a half ago and this was her first marathon post-op. She was medically cleared to run but emotionally nervous. I asked if I could pray with her and had the privilege of asking God to protect her and give her peace of mind. After we prayed she gratefully thanked me and then informed me that this was not her first time at the rodeo or second. She had run 34 marathons and I believe this was her 35th. I wouldn’t be surprised if she won the grandma award given to the fastest grandma!

I also had the privilege of running into my friend Tessah and her sister who were also running the race! Out of almost 8,000 people running the marathon, I count it a miracle that I ran into them and got to see each other off at the start. Making my way to the 4:00:00 pacer group, I calmly waited for the start. I didn’t hear the gun go off but before I knew it I was stepping over the starting line and we were off!

The weather was perfect for a long run. It was foggy with a little mist or sprinkles at the start. The temperature was somewhere between 45 and 50 at the beginning and didn’t get any higher than 65 all day. Perfect. I started off wearing a t-shirt, long sleeve and a rain jacket on top and capris on the bottom with gloves for my wimpy hands. I took the rain jacket off around mile 2 and tied it around my waist. Around mile 3 my right knee started to hurt. I hadn’t dealt with any IT band issues since my last marathon yet here I was dealing with it early on in a marathon. I accepted that the pain wouldn’t go away and settled in for an uncomfortable run when it came to my knee.

Around mile 5 I took off my long sleeve and held it in my hand while I ran. Prior to the race I told myself that I would stick with the 4:00:00 pace at least through 5 miles and reassess how I was feeling and adjust my pace accordingly. I was feeling good so I stuck with the pack. I saw my friends at mile 9 as planned and threw them my rain jacket. My long sleeve replaced the rain jacket around my waist and I started to get comfortable. My body felt good at the pace, though I did fall back at each water stop and had to work hard to get back up to the pack. The need to retie my shoes started around 13 but I knew my friends were at mile 14 so I decided I would wait until after I saw them to retie my shoes. Feeling refreshed from seeing my friends and having tight shoes, I set off to catch the pacer.

It was at this point where we started to hit some hills. I could see the pacer but I couldn’t catch her. My goal of breaking four hours started to slip out of my hands but not completely because I could still see the pacer. The knee pain had subsided a little but was still there. I had 10 miles left so I started to visualize my 10 mile loop while I was running Grandma’s. I do this when I run on treadmills so I was hoping it would work. It didn’t really work.

As we were making the climb up a rather large incline at mile 19 and I visualized the one at mile 3 of my 10 mile loop, I had the opportunity to tell a fellow runner about The Sheridan Story. I was not very excited to be talking to someone at that moment but I didn’t choose to run the race for my self. I ran Grandma’s Marathon so that support and awareness could be raised for The Sheridan Story. So I sucked it up, pushed through the pain I was feeling and shared with the man that The Sheridan Story provides children in the Twin Cities with food on the weekends.

As a result of sharing about The Sheridan Story, I had to walk due to a side ache that made it too difficult to run. The side ache came and went as I ran-walked the remaining 7 miles. In my decision to walk I truly let go of breaking 4:00:00 and grabbed onto hoping to beat my previous time of 4:22:42. I saw my friends again at mile 20 and when Esther asked if I needed anything, I wanted to yell “The FINISH!” but I simply groaned, “No,I’m fine”.

My mom greeted me at mile 22 yelling “Is that you?!” She proceeded to cheer me on, encourage me, tell me that my sister was proud of me all of the way from Peru and I began to cry. I don’t think my mom could tell but all of the emotions from the race came out at that moment. I kept going as she cheered me on for another half a mile. I had just lost the sounds of my mom when I saw my dad, sister-in-law and nephew. I was exhausted. I wanted to be done, but the look on my nephews face when he saw me kept me going. I so badly wanted to finish running but I had to keep run-walking all of the way through the end.

The finish to Grandma’s Marathon is quite different from the rest of the race. It is mostly downhill and has a lot of turns, as compared to the straight, flat or up hill of the previous miles. I might have been able to appreciate this if I hadn’t been so exhausted and ready to be done. I saw my friends for the final time during the race in the last .2 miles. They were cheering me on wholeheartedly and I got emotional again. I was almost there. As I crossed the finish line I raised my fist in the air and could only think about how thankful I was to be done. My watch and the official time read 4:16:05 but that was okay. Tears were brimming again but I didn’t know what emotion was associated with them. I found my refreshments and made my way to our designated meeting spot.

My family and friends weren’t there when I got there. The tears kept forcing their way to the surface but I tried to stuff them down. I searched for my friends and almost abandoned our plan a couple of times but stayed there. Finally my friends came around the corner and when I was in the first embrace I lost it. The tears came out and I just cried. It was the same thing when I received a hug from my dad.

As some time passed from the finish of the race I was able to calm down and pull myself together. We took pictures celebrating the finish and I geared up to get in the lake. It was so refreshing to stand waist deep in Lake Superior and just let the waves roll in.

I still didn’t know what I was feeling and why I was so emotional when I thought about the race. I was grateful to be done but I didn’t know if I was sad. I didn’t know if I was disappointed. I didn’t know if I was relieved. I didn’t know if I was happy. I didn’t know a lot of things. I had finished but I didn’t feel the pleasure that I did after my first marathon. I didn’t know what I was feeling and that made me nervous. It took four days, a lot of tears and conversation on conversation to finally figure out what it was that I was feeling. But this post is long enough so I’ll save that for my next post.